| Lots has happened since my last entry. Tony has been staying with me for a while and I am so glad to have him here but looking forward to his departure on Friday. I want my space back. I'm ready to finish up the apartment and I'm done with sharing. ha!
He is one of my favorite people and is becoming such a close friend. I'm just ready for my place back!
I have a crush. I think it's serious but like most of my crushes it won't/can't develop or work ok. I really like this guy (Austin) but there is so much drama with it. He is really amazing and smart and kind. But the distance is not kosher. He called me today to ask me questions about thinks more important then movies and stupid shit like that, but wanted to talk about creating a government and what that would be like. He is brillant. Though he uses words that can be uncomfortably too big- he also is sweet and totally down to earth.
hmmmmmm
I dance last night. It was fun. I made some cash. I left. Ohhh- and I hooked up with this girl and her boyfriend. Messy.
I saw gabe tonight. It was nice. He is special. His apartment is cute but overpriced and I still have trouble with the fact that he is not interested in me. I'm pretty damnit!
I like my job and hate it other days. I'm ready to move on. I also am ready to move around. I think I want to live in New Mexico or Arizona. Yup. my thoughts.
I am glad to see everyone. Folks are getting back this week and moving into their new fancy apartments that are overpriced and afforded by mommy and daddy but explained as student loans. I love it. I hope my kids will have to deal with me paying for their apt when I have the cash. Of course, my kids will have a much deeper understanding of their privilege and won't be so ashamed of their status, but rather understand it and use it in more positive ways.
hmmm,
-BCH | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I was just listening to Depeche Mode & my favorite song is called The Sweetest Perfection. I love this song and I used to think it was so romantic and eerie. anyway, as I listened I realized that I think this song is about Heroin use. How sad? I mean, not that heroin use is sad- because that is not my call- but... that I have been so blind all these years and believed a song to be something so different then I now believe it to be.
Okay, so life is great. I'm doing Campaign work at my job which is exciting. I had a great meeting today which I won't bore you with details about- but I really spoke up and took control of my thoughts. That said, one of the staffers of the city council person who I won't name- was flirting with me and attempting footsies under the table! This is my life.
I would move my foot and he would move his next to it. And then I think he would get the hint and I would move my foot again and it would bump his so I assume he thought I was playing back. Ugh!
I spoke with exGabe tonight and it was nice. I never talk to the kid- which is frustrating. I want to be his friend but it's not possible if I don't talk to you!! Grr, I wonder if he has a boyfriend? or is dating someone?
I have a crush. I don't want to say anymore---why? Because I only talk to him on friendster. lol...
I hooked up with someone tonight. He is my Williamsburg makeout sessions. Puerto Rican guys on the DL were my make out sessions at 16- why am I going back there again? I have nothing in common with him accept that we both think he's really attractive. If he comes in my apartment and stares at the mirror anymore I might scream!
I went to the beach with Macho this weekend! It was great.
My roomates been a little messy. I still love her- but I need to say something. It's little things- like crumbs and cups that make me crazy. Am I crazy?
-------------------------------
I'm going to see AIDA this weekend! Yay! & Tony is moving into town. Super!
P.S Why am I still thinking about Gabe. I think it's because he has no interest in me. And not to sound overtly narcissistic- but that is not my experience. Not like everyone I'm attracted to wants me- but... I've never really been in a situation where I attempted pursuing someone and got such hot and cold. I'm not sure if that is what intrigues me- or if it is him.
I weigh 130 pounds. I don't want to keep losing weight. I was 165 at Christmas time. Some of it is muscle- but I want to be gaining weight not losing it! I saw Nila today for the first time in a really long time and she said I look like I'm building up. Sadly, that made me very happy....
P.P.S I drew the line at the top to divide the crazy recourse and the uncomfortable narrcasism. They should never touch. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | LALA | | Time: | 08:53 pm |
|
| Well, I went home to CT this past weekend. After having the week off it was nice to spend a few days with my newphew. His birthday went well and I love being with him. He is so amazing! Sadly, his aprty was military theme- but he doeds not make them fight but rather friends....
Greg came to the party. My family invited him without telling me- which is weird. Old memories came back.... seing him with my newphew was hard... I'm alive....
Night. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Okay, I am going to get better! It's been a month since I wrote! Tear.
Well, I'm home! I've been on travels so much this month. The 4th of July weekend in chicago was fierce and I just gotg back from my organizations conference on Tuesday.
It was dramatic. I mean, yeah! It was far too long, people were far to frustrated, people broke too many rules, and I couldn't hand the messyness! It was sad though. We had to send people home, the students protested their friends going home, and I didn't get enough sleep.
Regardless, I had a great night on Monday in DC, had an amazing date yesterday- and an even better sleep over!!- ha!
I had to go to the emergency room during the conference. No one even knew I left- lol... it was a draining 4hours. My eyes still hurt.
I got internet yesterday.
A friend, Tony, from work- is moving into my building--- that will be fun.
I'm listening to peaches and I love it.
I just got my financial aid package for next year and the school gave me an amazing scholarship which brings my aid to an amazing rate!
I saw Hillary Clinton and I think I came.
I'm going to CT this week
I am going to Maine in August. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I love dancing in my underwear. It's one of my favorite activities. I think that the act of dancing is really liberating- but dancing naked is even better....
I had a great dinner last night with Marta & Josiefina. It was lovely! After I left Marta's house @ 11:30- I came home and danced in my underwear for a good 2 hours. I sweat a lot and then realized how weird I am... I then took a shower and rested my head for a goodnight of dreams and sleeping time...
I bought a propane torch today. I feel soooo butch. I'm gonna fuckin' blow down my house with a propane torch. Okay, it's not that big- but I will be able to put my air conditoner in because there is a big bad bar that is in my way and I have to be big bad and strong and melt it away with my heavy duty propane torch!! Holla!I have to mely away because it's in my way...
I'm hungry. I feel fat today. I've been eating a lot of salad...
My mom finally called me last night. I've yet to return her called. I also love the Greg has called me twice. I always anwser when he calls and the few times he has left messages I return them as sooon as I get them- I feel like I am in so much more control because I've been busy and have not been able to call him back for two days...
is that weird?
Am I weird?
My co-worker told me that I was obnoxious in a good way. What does that mean? She said I was like Jack form will and grace... because I didn't give a fuck--- and I asked, "but cuter then jack" and she said, "of course!" and I still didn't like the anwser... I'm not like Jack. He's so gay. I'm so queer! Different! But I get it... I mean, I don't give a fuck (sometimes) and I am super crazy and somtimes a little weird... but that's me!
I'm having issues with my lack of attention span. Why can't I focus.
My boss got mad at me because I wouldn't stay late last night... Fuck that shit!
I've said fuck a lot today! It's 11:00 and I feel like I've gotten nothing done...
I want to go on a date with someone who is my age and has good politics. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what I think about polyamory...
Camp was so fucked up. What a fucked up movie! But I love it... but it was so fucked up. White people are crazy sometimes... they make some fucked up movies...
Also, that movie Down with Love was Shit! That said, Raising Victor Cargas was really great! Also, that movie Capturing the Friedmans was fucked up too. It was such an awful movie! Awful I say. Who ever says it is good should get drop kicked. Well, the film was decent- accually it was well done (accept the music was dumb!) but... the them and story was stupid... This idea that we should be able to choose if someone is guilty or not and what we think about their jail time is crazy... this is a deeper conversation that I don't want to have--- yeah. And Child Molestation scares me... Jails are fucked up... But I know this.... I'm just babbling now...
Good Day Young Sir...
I should read these before I post them because I'm sure there are lots of typos... but... no time for that! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | La... | | Time: | 01:32 pm |
|
| La...
I'm at work. It's not fun. No no fun... lol
Okay, I saw this movie about super sizing - and how this stupid white guy ate McDonalds for 30 days straight. It was dumb. If people lie to you and say it's good- just hit them and kick them and then spit on them.
It has no class or race anaylisis. It's just dumb!
Anyway, I love life. I went to the gym this morning, ate healthy fruit for breakfast, had a slaad and a cuban sandwhich for lunch... ohhh...
and Greg is staying next Friday @ my apartment... that too...
Ohhh, also he asked me on the fun if I have had sex with anyone since we broke up.... I asked him to clarify sex... (he was talking about the butt sex) and I was silent...
He said he has not...
What does that mean?
Why do i miss him?
Why did he clarify that this guy (Dan) who he is "seeing" - he has no interest in and enjoys that he can go two weeks with out talking to him... hmmm
-B | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Hey, | | Time: | 11:14 am |
|
| Yay, life is breezy and easy!
I'm at work- working... obviously! Ha!
It's so hot outside that I want to die! I step out of the building and the heat penetrates my body and my sweat beads begin to form and then I feel shitty because I'm sticky and look greesy and dirty and gross and then I go back inside and cool off and dry off only to have to do it all again....
Yeah...
Yesterday I hung out with Eden which was great! I love her!
I'm earing my limited edition chip and pepper jeans today and I love them... they feel great and fit soo good...
Thoughts of Fuse keep dancing in my head... ha!
I have not heard from ym mom in a while
Josh is cute...
I talked to my ex-boyfriend Greg last night and he shared that I'm still the only person he's had sex with and I wanted to cry because I miss him... Who am I?
P.S He' might be comming to stay with me Friday night.... (am I stupid?)
I hung out with RJ... Why do I do things that are bad for me?
I need to go back to work...
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I bought the Christina Millian CD and love it! Dip it Low! What a great song! And she is Cuban!! How many Cuban pop stars are there... none! and the name of her publishing company is Havana Brown! Represent Christina Millian! lol...
Lastly, I am really happy today. I think it's cause I'm wearing pink!
Gabe was an ass to me online yesterday... fuck him!
Still Happy.... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Yo Yo Yo! B.Murda in the house! Okay, I have not wrote in a while because... well, I've been fucking busy. Still, life is good...
BUSY BUSY BUSY but good...
Readers Digest Condensed Version:
I got a raise at work (Double what I was making before)
My newphew is sick- but doing well
My mom came for a visit and drove me crrrrrrrrrrrrrazy
But we had a good time.
I've been dating- but not a constant
I love my new apartment
Brooklyn is great
I painted
Yeah....
I have felt town today. I am making okay cash at my new job but my debt is crazy... so I decided I want toget a bullshit job...
I applied at Urban Outfitters
and this morning....
I applied at Starbucks... Okay
Starbucks is crazy- but they offer partime benifits which is good... right?
I also had a date last night with this guy who is the army-
He's cute... but the don't ask don't tell thing is far to cray cray for me!
So, Starbucks and the Military--- the pressure of living in america is getting to me... lol | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| I see that I have not written anything in what seems like a long time for me. With that, I can only credit my absence in typing to the insane amount of work that has been building up around me.
I was in D.C last week which was very exciting. I presume that I will be spending a lot fo time there in the months to come-- because of work and play...
I have a crush. I've been talking to someone for the last monthish who lives in DC. Okay, I must confess that I've known this person for a while- and we kissed once when I was 17- but there was Greg and so much else- that nothing occured. Regardless, things seemed to have developed different then I expected and we spent some time together the last two times I was in DC.
I like him.
He is spending memorial day weekend here and I think that will be the determining factor to see if anything will develop. I feel content with it.
He's a bit older- but not too much. He's 24. Hm... enough about him.
School is cray cray. I have so many papers. I move into my new apartment on Friday. I can't wait to see my mom in the next few weeks. I am happy.
I need to get back to work... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So, last night was grand! My favorite asian tranny (TRANDY!) came over and we had yummy Korean food! She was cute and I love her more every day! I've known that girl for so long-- I knew her before I could say I know that girl! lol... She is great! She knows my boss and made me feel better about the DRAMA
He called me last night and seemed receptive on his voice mail. We'll see!
I'm swamped with work and have no time to participate in the aact of getting it done. I think that going to CT will be great in so many ways.... I need to finish work and the train/bus may be a good time to do that.
I have not spoken with my cousin anymore- but I will call t onight to talk about me coming up more. Maybe my aunt will pick me up in New Haven!! It's so much cheaper that way!
--------------------------------------------->
I'm wearing my pink sweater today- which makes me feel pretty and entertaining. I need my phone!! I left it at work and the charger is dead!
I am discontent for some reason. I am not settled yet. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I miss Greg so much today. Well, not today but int he alst 5 minutes. I sent him his birthday package and it was so thoughtful. I wrote an amazingly honesty and thoughtful letter that gave him part of my thoughts that surround my ideas of him and now I feelt uncomfortable empty without it. More vulnerable then I've been with him in so long, I am anticipating his response or phone call... One of the student sI work with saw him this weekend. I didn't want to hear about what they did and said- but he told me... I mean, hmmm... I'm a hypocrite. I miss him...
Gabe has been confusing me to no extreme. Still, I don't want to call him out on it because I am loving every minute of my confusion... We've been cuddlig and being cute lately... his kindness confuses me yet draws me into a place that I can't escape. I get stuck in the game of flirtation with no hope for progress and I feel content with my position as a pawn in his ego boost...
I feel sad today. Maybe cause I'm nervous about dancing at the club tonight. It's me 3rd time- but I'm still scared... I hope I make a lot of money. I need it. and if I'm giving lap dances and being half naked on stage- I want to leave with something that compensatesme sheer and utter humiliation and disrespect to my body- lol... when I'm there I'll feel different but I'm in a mood right now that I can't get out of....
I hate school. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Well, I have not wrote in a well due to my busy life and lack of interesting things to say. Both are still relevant in my current state but I needed to take a break from the redundancy of my job- and that brought me here...
I'm really stressed. I am having trouble getting an apartment- and I don't think I have enough saved for one- which means comes May 14th I'll be a bag lady! Homeless! I wish I had a mommy or daddy to call so I could move in with them for the summer. Hm, I take that back- I don't know if I would want that- but it would be such an amazing crutch. Tear. It makes me nervous and sad.
I'm in a really weird state- have you ever felt like everyone eas against you? I have been feeling like that lately. Well, I'll lower the drama and keep it real- I feel like people are always mad at me. My friend at school R (I'll protect her from LJ ridicule or from me gossiping) has been weird. Yes, it's not my biggest problem but she has been really strange and dry with me. I hate it. She left for spring break and apologized and things seemed chill but it was such a reflection of her that I feel a little bothered by it.
Gabe who? He is a strage cookie. I feel like I'm his biggest ego boost. Well, my energy for him is running dry- quickly. I don't know how long my interest will stay and I'm looking forward to it's evaporation- (or whatever happens to feelings). We have been cute lately- getting along like pals- lol... he even pop kisses me when we say goodbye- which is confusing. Regardless, he called me this weekend (he says twice but I only saw once) and I didn't reply. first, I was nervous- I like the kid and I didn't want to seem to excited for his attention- and 2. I was busy and 3. yeah... I fucked up- I should have called... regardless he seemed annoyed with me... and then I said I would call him on Monday and I didn't only because I instant messaged him like 4 times throughout the day and he never replied so I thought he was still angry or something... I analyze things too much... and it always gets me in trob.
Greg is getting his wisdom teeth out- I miss him today. Not a lot- just the idea of him I'm sure. He is taking bartending classes- how cute...
I'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of my dad. He liked to wear button up shirts with flowers on them- very cuban of him. Is it weird that I miss him more this year then ever before. I feel guilty about it or something. Like why would I be thinking about him so much now- why not last year- or the year before that or something... I feel like I need him now or something.
I love the Nelly Furtado CD it makes me smile!
I went to Albany this weekend! It was fancy nice! lol... well, not fancy- but nice... lol...
I work too much, don't make enough money, eat out far to often and miss my piercings this week.
I saw dawn of the dead and it was boo scary!
"Oh yeah- the grass is green- but can you feel it? I just want to feel it. Oh yeah the grass is green- but I think I've stained my jeans and now everyone will know that I was in it..."
I, like most of my entries, am not rereading this or proof reading- so you can see all my mistakes!! lol | | comments: Leave a comment |
| do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon
writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful then how I felt when we weren't speaking because I didn't cop to what I did.
I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries.
i'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips .
i'm in the front row. the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up.
i'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your
bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened
slid into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why
we shouldn't be together I started by saying things like "you [don't] smoke" "you [don't] live in new jersey ([it's] too far)"
you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily
refuted but the conversation was hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off.....
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up
and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always
feel seen sometimes you feel erasable
unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state
I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together
........for a while i'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some
time alone to fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you
i've been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being
slung towards your outrageous fortune
hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your
jeckyl and hydeness
i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh
and said "come here let me clip your wings!"(i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you
don't owe him anything)
"raise the roof" he yelled
"yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back.
(unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize.)
no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference......
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you see you close up
oh the things i've done for you
many a sitch a friend a man's been left for you
oh the books i've read for you
the tongues i've bitten for you
many a new city for you
many a risk taken for you (not a single regret) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Last night I spent entirly too long writing about my confusingly real turmoil and allowed frustration to workout through my pen. Regardless, my boss @ my 2nd job (the nonprofit) is driving me crazy. I hate working for him and I hate how he talks to me. I think working there will ruin my relationship with him. I really don't respect him sometimes.
Also, I feel lonley sometimes. not in a bad way but I think I recgognize my misbehaving behavior as a retaliation to my singlness which I admit to not being overtly comfortable with. I think that once I had Greg- it's really difficult to be comfortable with silence. I know that sounds strange- and most likely it is- but he made me so happy. And I want to preface or insert that I am really happy!! I am a cake of smiles- with lots of candles and frosting- but well, I was telling eden- it's like cookies...
I love a cookie. Why? because- it's yummy and fun and great and sweet- but sometimes I need milk- yes, I will live without the milk but it's always nice for a dip or to help the great cookie go down! That said, the milk is not a necessity because my cookie is fresh and yummy- but I am tainted. Damaged in a way. Since I had the best milk one can imagine my cookie has not been the same. See, for me once you've had milk with everymeal- your cookies are so much better? Does that make sense? Cookies are better (for me) with milk. That is why I singleness perplexes me. That said, I've gone on dates and nothing suffices. I guess I'm a picky milk drinker- but... I know the good stuff and I won't settle. Still, I taste a lot of milk - even the rotten stuff- even when I know it's bad- just because I want to make sure and because I feel parched or something. Still, milk never quenches my thirst it's more of an extra- and I only like the best-- so the bad milk always leaves me feeling ill...
wow... I'm done with the milk refrence but that is where I'm @.
Note: I'm going to see Wicked tonight.
I'm excited.
I like this: | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Okay, I decided to do some LJ reading tonight. I feel selfish- I write in mind but often forget to read my friends- note: I'm all caught up! I have homework but I'm so uninterested! Regardless, I came to see that my LJ is all about my love life (or lack of) Well!- I close this chapter... I promise to write less about boys. I want to preface that my writing does not explain what I think about- I mean- yes I think about romance- but not all day! I sounds crazy on this thing! I think I just write about it- because... I donno... I like to write about stuff like that... but I will try to fill you in on my more obscure details of thoughts..
-B
I've been selfish!-lol... | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Okay, I think I've been less then honest with my LJ. I was walking home today and thinking (yes, I think way to much about stupid things)and I thought that why would I not just be honest in my journal. So here it is.
1. I hate that I like Gabe. I wake up one day and assert myself in a space where I can confirm that my feelings for him are fading- and then reality sets in and they are abrubtly present and still as rapid. I like him. I don't love him- I mean I love him as a person and a friend and ya ya ya... but I like him and would love to allow that "like" to flurish. I want to call him out and be like- "when we dated- it was not all bad. I mean- I fucked up with a lot of things- but I was not awful and I aspire to grow and change and..."
But I won't. I won't say anything until he confirms that he still has feelings- which I don't think he does. Well, that's a lie... I think he does but I don't think he will be honest with them. Also, I think that I hurt him- and that he won't allow discourse for that- or something... which is fair.
2. I miss cuddling with him. I miss laying in his bed and talking about life, politics, and nothing. I miss dinner. I miss intentions. I miss plans. I miss potential.
---------> My job is stressing me out! I work 20 hours there... and I have 27 hours of stuff on my timeline. Also, I had food posioning and I feel better...
-B | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | note: | | Time: | 01:27 pm |
|
| One of my co-workers chews with her mouth open and I thought I was going to throw up...
B.Diddy | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Ain't no stoppin' me... Copy written so- Don't copy me... Jus' Kiddin'
Wow,
okay...
I'm @ work right now and I'm sleepy so I'm doing whatever I can to stay up. LAst night was somewhat fun. Cake is interesting, I got to go-go, I made some change, and I got to ingly- still I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it. Still, I need the money--- what to do.
My party is tonight which should be fun... woo-hoo
Myles and I are going to get gay married- He said yes... (joke)
I kissed 3 girls last night---
I'm hungry...
Andy is in the office...
She is dramatic
Greg wrote me an email and it was so short that it should not have been written @ all...
Gabe said I looked good yesterday and asked for a kiss on the cheak... I'm so confused about him. I like him, I don't, I like him and then I don't... REality Check: I'm not sure if I ever really don't- or if I ever really do- I just like... it's a weird feeling... I think he enjoys me the idea of me liking him but not need to reciprocate... I'm too cute for that...
He is "dating" Sean which makes me furious. I wish he would not date people that I ahve mutual friends with- I guess that is hard @ lang... but still... respect? He does not seeit that way- and maybe I'm wrong... but how awkward would it be to see them together... date someone else but not Sean...
I'm a mess... I need to get gay married like right away...
-B. Diddy | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm doing better today... I am doing much better...
Note: MY PARTY IS THIS WEEKEND!! The B-Day Party is Happenin'-- 3rd Ave and 6th... Friday @ 9pm Village Karaoke-- BYOB
All my LJ friends can come!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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littleboyb's journal